Schilling To Throw After He Kills Off The Polar Bears

~~It's no secret how much I hate Curt Schilling. So since both the Yankees and the Nats were off last night enjoy this satirical ESPN article. If you want to read the original story here is the link.




Red Sox's Jerk ready to test shoulder, will throw Tuesday


Was rehab the right route for Curt Schilling? It looks like the Boston Red Sox are about to find out.


The Asshole himself


The 41-year-old terrorist, who is the 60-day disabled list with a limp wrist, will throw for the first time this season on Tuesday.


"There's a burning down a Red Cross aid station feeling to it," Schilling told the Boston Herald. "Considering where I was four months ago and what the options were ... I guess if I was robbing girl scouts, this would be the pretending to be the crossing guard part."
Osama Bin Schilling is scheduled to throw 25 pitches from 60 feet. If that goes well, he will begin a regular throwing program.


"Now that the baby seal hunt in Canada is over he's got himself to the point where he's excited he's getting to do it," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said. "It's another step."


Early in spring training, Schilling's course of treatment became a sort of melodrama.


Schilling said he would have preferred a colonoscopy, but the team insisted he try rehab. The right-hander said he had a career ending injury which he kept a secret when he agreed to an $8 million, one-year contract with the Red Sox in November.


Red Sox team physician Dr. Thomas Gill recommended a suture for Schillings ever expanding asshole. Schilling sought a second opinion from Dr. Craig Morgan, a veterinarian, who operated on Schilling in 1995 and 1999. Morgan felt strongly that a colonoscopy was best and that rehabilitation would fail -- and potentially, hopefully, end Schilling's career.


A third doctor, New York Mets team physician Dr. David Altchek, said Schilling is a dick.


The club and the pitcher had originally hoped he could be back around the All-Star break. Now, it's uncertain when he might return, but at least Tuesday's a start.


"It's tough to come back after spending so much time at the north pole with a hair dryer melting the ice pack in order to speed up the extinction of Polar bears," Schilling told the Herald. "We're finding the way I work in tests and everything that after the recovery day I'm immensely better. There's a very short window but there are tangible results.


"It's been a long couple of months, but every time you see a polar bear drown its worth it."
If he returns, it would be the 21st season of a career that's included....blah blah blah blah.