The Rocket Report

Is it me or is Roger Clemens starting to sound a whole lot like OJ Simpson? I'm sure you have all heard the reports that the Rocket is planning to launch his own (presumably objective) probe into who was conveniently left off the Mitchell report. Well guess what dear readers, we here at 567 Miles From Home have seen an advanced copy of the Rocket Report!! Here are some of the names that Mitchell had the audacity to overlook. Sure, only one of them is a baseball player but that shouldn't matter:

10. Mike Wallace - The Rocketeers want to make sure that they have some ammunition in advance of Rogers big interview on 60 Minutes. Although rumor has it that Wallace only used once and that was to help quickly recover from a Katie Couric related injury.

09. Mickey Mouse - Come on Mickey, you aren't fooling anyone! You expect us to believe that at your age you can continue to make major league level cartoons? M-I-C-K-E-Y you used andro-stenedio-ne

08. The Energizer Bunny - Give me a break, that thing has been going strong since the late '80's, it keeps going and going and going for more HGH.

07. Mario AND Luigi - Those weren't harmless mushrooms that made them grow so big!!!

06. Curt Schilling - Although admittedly Schilling has never used juice to improve his game, Curt did use them become an even bigger a**hole.

05. Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer - Reportedly Rocket Research has a signed affidavit from Comet saying that he personally injected Rudolf multiple times. Rudolf your nose wont shine so bright, if you don't time your cycle just right!

04. All of the beer bottles from the Bud Bowl - Wondering what happened to the Bud Bowl from the Superbowl commercials? Apparently each and everyone of those bottles was a raging steroid-aholic. It was so rampant they cancelled the contest indefinitely until they could find an effective way of testing.

03. George Mitchell's Mom - That's right B***ch, according to eye witnesses she also wore combat boots and was so fat she beeped when she backed up!!!

02. Superman - How do you think he is able to leap all of those tall buildings with a single bound? Plus the Daily Bugle has photographic evidence of one bad case of back-ne.

01. George Mitchell - The biggest hypocrite of all time. Have you ever seen that guy with his shirt off? JACKED!!! Reportedly he purchased them from Nanci Pelosi who conveniently owns a house near BALCO laboratories.

So as you can see just from this sampling, not only was the Mitchell report wrong about Roger...IT WASN'T EVEN FULLY COMPREHENSIVE!!!! I smell a lawsuit.

~~I hope everyone had a good holiday!!