A Form Letter For Use by Those Named in the Report

So your a major league baseball player who has just been outed as a steroid user thanks to the Mitchell Report? Here are three handy form letters to help you apologise or explain yourself to the fans, free of charge. Happy Holiday's guys:

Letter #1 - Coming Clean:

Dear Fans,

As you are aware I have been listed as a user of (circle all that apply) The Clear/ Human Growth Hormone /Anabolic Steroids / Some Crazy Drug You have never even heard of, in Senator Mitchell's report. I deeply regret that between the years of ____ and _____ I did in fact use performance enhancing substances in violation of (circle all that apply) federal law/ State Law / baseball's anti doping policy. I regret any harm that my actions may have on the game, or on any young athletes who may have emulated me during that time. I can only ask for your forgiveness and hope that those who chose to use as a result of my actions have not done any serious long term harm to themselves or their loved ones. While this is a difficult time for everyone who loves the game, hopefully though openness and honesty we can move forward and put this dark chapter behind us.

Letter #2 - The Pettitte Letter:

Dear Fans:

As you know I have been accused of using performance enhancers. The truth is, yes, I did but I only used them (circle all that apply) Once / Twice / Three times, but that last time I didn't realize it. I regret that I took them, but I did so only for the purpose of (circle all that apply) Recovering Quickly From an Injury / To Help With My Dwarfism / To help rid me of unsightly acne / Because Roger Clemens Made Me Do It. I hope that we can move on from this dark chapter and get back to the business of (circle all that apply) playing the game of baseball / Going After the Real Users Like Bonds.

Letter #3 - The I didn't do it Letter:

Dear Fans:

As you know I have been accused of using performance enhancing drugs in the recently released report by Senator Mitchell. At no time did I (circle all that apply) knowingly / purposely / recreationaly / use steroids or any other form of performance enhancers. In fact this report is nothing but a (circle all that apply) witch hunt / slanderous accusation / media fueled circus show / and I stand by my (circle all that apply) home run record / career as a pitcher / ability to add 15 pounds of muscle over the age of 35 as a testament to my hard work and dedication to the game. Unfortunately I realise that there will be some out there who find it difficult to believe that I am innocent, to them I say (circle all that apply) Those Really Weren't My Cancelled Checks / Roger Clemens Did It...Let's Only Go After Him / Come On, My Last Name Isn't Bonds / Fuck You. Hopefully we can move past this dark time and get back to playing baseball.